Emotionally Abusive Relationships

This is not the easiest topic to write about. Firstly because it's quite a personal and emotional topic for me and secondly I'm cautious about generalising the issue.

If it's not obvious from the title of this post the issue I'm writing about is emotional abuse. When I write emotional abuse I mean as the form of an emotionally abusive relationship and not the emotional abuse of a child. So here is the trigger warning. If details of emotional abuse are triggering for you then it's best to stop reading now.

Lastly, before I finally start the actual blog post I just want to state that I'm writing based on my own experiences I write on behalf of myself and my experience of emotional abuse and not other people's.

Emotional Abuse I feel isn't talked about enough or taken seriously enough. I didn't know nearly enough about the emotional abuse until I went searching for it. I really wish I had known the signs earlier, it would have saved me from lots of bad experiences.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for seven months. I'm thankful it wasn't that long, but it was definitely long enough to change me as a person.

It was my first proper relationship. I was ecstatic when we became partners. I was on top of the world. We had been friends beforehand and this had felt like the right step for both of us.

The first month our "honeymoon period" was great. Then slowly things started to change.

We never kissed or went further than holding hands and cuddling throughout our entire relationship. 

We were both shy people and it felt natural to go slow, but after a while, it started to feel like it was the right time. However, my partner didn't agree. I would NEVER pressure someone to do something they didn't want to do. That isn't the problem. If they weren't comfortable to kiss then I would never pressure the and that would have been fine. 

The problem was in the fact although they wouldn't kiss me they would talk and brag about previous partners and strangers they had made out with. This made my already low self-esteem feel even lower. It made me think I wasn't good enough for them or even anyone. There must be something wrong with me if even my partner doesn't want to kiss me.

My self-esteem, while I'm the relationship, reached my lowest it's ever been. Not only did they never kiss me, but they would talk openly about all these hot girls they liked. They liked the badass, smoked, got drunk a lot, confident women. I was the opposite of this. I felt bad for not being able to conform or be like who they fancied. They would talk about these women in front of our friends leaving me feeling embarrassed as it was obvious to everyone I wasn't like the people they talked about.

The problem with the low self-esteem is that even though I wasn't feeling too happy with the relationship I stayed in it because it made me feel like no one else would want me and I was lucky to have my partner want to date me.

The controlling aspect came next in the relationship. They would get easily possessive and jealous of anyone I hung out with. They would make me feel guilty if I hung out with my friends without them. It got to the point where they started to guilt me anytime I hung out with my best friend. 

Near the end of the relationship I left for university and it turned into a long distance relationship. In a way, it was both a blessing and a curse. They texted and messages me constantly. If I didn't reply instantly or quickly after they would guilt me and say things like "you're obviously too busy for me and don't want to talk to me" when in reality I was in a university seminar so couldn't reply. It became so conditioned into me that I would feel bad anytime I didn't see a message sent from them and reply in the first five minutes.

Throughout the entirety of our relationship, they played the victim card. We both suffered from mental health illnesses, but it was always focused on theirs. I would spend hours talking to them, making them feel better, giving them advice. I spent most of our relationship acting as a personal counsellor. I helped because I loved them and I wanted them to be happy, but it started to cost my own happiness.

I would push aside my own mental health illnesses and problems to jump to their aid, but the more they realised this the more they used this to their advantage. They were sad every day and used this as an excuse. 

My own mental health suffered so much throughout this. Not only was I dealing with so much of my own personal problems I was dealing with theirs too. Whenever I tried to talk to them about my problems they would turn it around to relate to themselves and the next thing I knew I was comforting then. I relapsed so many times during that relationship. I'm not proud of it and I wish I hadn't let the relationship ship affect me that way, but in the moment it felt like I was drowning and I couldn't cope. The relationship that used to bring me happiness turned toxic and dragged me down, it made me feel worse.

I tried to break off the relationship several times. It didn't work. They would guilt me, say they would change, say that it would get better, all couples go through a tough patch. I would take them back because even throughout all this I loved them and I wanted to believe them. I later began to realise that it wasn't a "rough patch" like they said, but just a general toxic and rough relationship as a whole. Finally with the support of my family, friends and my counsellor I got the strength to end it all.

It was hard and emotional. I did love them and it broke my heart. For the first few weeks after the breakup, I felt guilty. I felt bad for them. So many times I nearly decided to dive back in because I hated hurting them, but I managed to struggle through.

It's been over a year now since the relationship ended and it most parts I'm happier, it was definitely the right choice to end it, in fact, I wish I had done it sooner. Because although I'm no longer in the relationship I'm still affected by it to this day.

My self-consciousness is still so low. I don't think I can get into a serious relationship for a long time now. I don't think I can take the fall and I don't think I could let myself believe that there is anyone really interested in me. I believe everything is my fault, and my mental health has never really recovered well since.

This relationship conditioned me so much that even now a year on as I write this I worry whether I have the right to write it? Was I really emotional abused? Maybe it was my fault? Maybe I deserved it all?

But I have forced myself to in hopes that it may help even one person.

Don't let anyone EVER drag you down. Don't let anyone manipulate you. If you are not happy in a relationship don't stay caged in. You have the right to leave. You have the right to be happy. You have the right to talk to who you want. You have the right to have independence. You have the right to be yourself. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Sexuality, Labels and Self-Acceptance

I've been "out" to my close friends and some of my family from roughly the age of 13/14 when I was outed at school (that is a story for another time). I was never the most open person about my sexuality to anyone else, partially because of my anxiety over what other people's reactions would be and partially because of the fact that I generally didn't feel the need to be. However, recently I've started to reevaluate my sexuality, how I use labels and everything that comes with not being straight and it made me think how writing about my experiences and thoughts could educate/help maybe even one person.

When I came out to people in the past I generally just said I was Bisexual which isn't entirely true. I am romantically attracted to both genders, but I am only sexually attracted to a person I have a deep emotional bond with already. In label terms, this makes me a biromantic and demisexual.
Now written down this is easy to explain, but in person, this can take a while to explain to people as there are normally questions asked and a lot of judgement. This is the reason why I normally just used to identify myself as being Bisexual as it was easier for me and other people. Although there were always and still are all the annoying misjudgements, questions and biphobic remarks to get through.

One of these questions I was always asked is something that I've actually been thinking about more and more recently. "Which gender do you prefer?" Now when I first had the lightbulb go off in my head that maybe I wasn't just attracted romantically to the opposite gender I would have said I definitely felt more attraction for men than women. However, 5 years later I realised now that I am definitely more attracted to women. This was the moment that I had the epiphany that my sexuality is incredibly fluid and I don't want to have to fit it in a box anymore.

When I was younger and first realising my sexuality labels were my best friend, being able to have a word for what I was feeling/who I was made me feel less alone and more confident in myself. It gave me a sense of self and allowed me to express myself to others easier. Now I have grown up and become more confident in myself, I care less about what people think of me and care more about not restricting a part of myself. I no longer feel that I have to explain myself to people or label myself, I am who I am and I am attracted to who I want to be. My sexuality is fluid and I'm not going to try and force it into a box/label. I understand for some people they like to label themselves and that is great I used to be the same and as long as they're happy and comfortable in themselves that's the most important thing.

My hope In writing this Is that people will realise sexuality/labels and all that comes with it is an incredibly personal and special thing, No two people are the same in their attractions and their feelings. No one can tell you what to call yourself/who to be attracted to, Its down to you. If you identify with a sexuality differently to how someone else does then who cares as long as it makes you happy, and if you don't identify strongly with a sexuality either then it's fine don't worry. You be you and don't change for anyone. As long as you're comfortable and happy in yourself then that's all that matters.

Changes, Chances and Goals

Recently I've realised that changes can be wonderful things and are something to look forward to. Before this past year, I would have said that I liked the continuity of everything in my life staying the same. The sense of normality and structure made my life feel safe and manageable. However, in the last year, my life has undergone so many changes. I started University (in London none the less) and moved away from my tight family community, I entered my first serious relationship and also had my first break-up. These changes although not all good have shaped who I am and I've grown as a person because of them. They have helped me learn who I really am and who I really want to be.

This realisation made me realise that living the same structured life without taking chances made me unhappy. Yes maybe the normality brought me structure and I felt content, but I was never truly happy in myself. I was too scared to try new things and do what I really wanted to do because it was different to my normal. I was the person holding myself back from what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.

With this thought in mind in I started down the road of being more open minded, trying new things, really pushing for my goals and I feel a lot happy for it. Not all of the changes have  worked out, but at least I can say I tried and every time I feel let down or like I'm not achieving as well as I wanted to I compare my situation to where I was last year.

I'm now an independent student living in London, recently turned vegetarian, gym-membership holder and am doing challenges/fundraisers for charity and this is only the start. I have so many more goals to achieve, chances to take and changes to make and I can't wait to see where the next year takes me.

So if you are reading this and have things you want to do, but never had the guts to or want to change things in your life and are to scared to, just do it, strive for them. What is the worst that could happen? And i promise you that in a years time you will look back at the changes you made and chances you took and will be grateful that you did it!

10 Things To Do When You're Feeling Low

Everyone has low periods in their life. Some people can deal with them better than others. I myself know how it feels to be low and not being able to get yourself back up or to distract yourself from your emotions. So this is why I wrote this blog post. Below are 10 of the best things that helped me get through low periods. I hope these can help other people too.

1. I know everyone always says it, but talking to someone can really help you. Finding the right person to talk to could be hard, but once you have and you have opened up to them it can take a big weight off your shoulders and you could also get another perspective on your situation which can really help sometimes.
2. Listen to Music. Listening to Music actually releases the hormone Dopamine which is nicknamed the "feel good" hormone. So therefore Music literally makes you feel good emotionally. So whenever you feel down plug in your headphones or blast your music out loud and forget about everything else, but the music.
3. Writing. I find that writing all your feelings down is an incredibly good way to help yourself when you feel low. It is especially good if you feel like you can't let your feelings out via step 1. It is a way of letting all your emotions out without the fear of being judged. I particularly suggest this amazing website: http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/ on here you can type all your thoughts out and no one can read them, but you. When you press enter to 'send' your thoughts they simply float away off the page and it gives a great sense of relief. I really suggest people try it. If you prefer to hand write your feelings down they ripping the paper up or setting it on fire (as long as it is done safely) also gives a great sense of relief when you see them slowly disappear.
4. Channeling your anger. Anger is often one of the key emotions when someone is feeling down and sometimes people can channel that anger in the wrong way. Taking up a sport or physical hobby is a great way to have fun as well as channeling your anger and excess energy in to. Even if it is just throwing a ball around outside it does help!
5. Read a book. There is no better way to escape from life for a bit than to pick up a book and jump into a fictional one. Reading is a great distraction for short periods however if you have depression or feel suicidal make sure to not just use distraction methods because they're only temporary methods.
6. Walking. Sometimes a quiet walk somewhere with a nice view can help you clear your head and relax. It doesn't have to be for long even just a 5 minute walk to get outside can help you feel more refreshed.
7. If you have any pets or animals in your family then sometimes playing or cuddling with them can really make you feel happy and loved
8. Socialise. I know sometimes when you feel down the last thing you want to do is to socialise, but just meeting up with your close friend(s) and doing something you all enjoy can really take your mind of things.
9. Watch something funny. This is one of my favourite things to do when im feeling down. Loading up youtube and watching all the weird, wonderful and funny videos on that site because there really are a lot that can make you laugh your head off.
10. My last tip is to treat yourself. If you're feeling low don't be harsh on yourself because it can make you feel worse instead treat yourself. Whether it's the new film thats just come out on dvd, a new item of clothing or something as simple as your favourite food. You deserve it.

So these were my top 10 tips of things to do when you're feeling low. I hope they help as much as they have helped me. If you have your own methods then feel free to comment what they're! Finally, always remember that their is light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how bad everything may seem it will get better and i am saying this from experience.